The Search to be: Real.
Photo by Conor Leslie
The Search to be:
Real.
“What you think ah! What you feel now! What you know ah! To-be-Real!”~ Cheryl Lynn
Today, trending potent and seductive “elixirs” are being touted in the name of personal growth. Some claim miraculous healing. Personal growth and self-discovery can look like a form of subtle, yet accepted narcissism; ambivalence and total disconnectedness. Feelings can be messy and the internal war to wholeness is not for the faint of heart or the weak. It is a journey for spiritual warriors. Individuals who are not afraid of looking at all aspects of their self. The good. The “bad” and the ugly. This is the path to personal integration and ultimately adulting.
The questions to ask ourselves are:
Can one grow and heal without giving the necessary time to explore the root of their sufferings?
Are there shortcuts?
Do they last?
How can one know the difference between the development of self and self-absorption?
There is no quick fix for our life’s wounds. No high or immediate remedy that will last long enough to resolve our trauma, (no matter the ‘remedy’s’ trending popularity.) Eventually trends become passé and can have lasting and damaging emotional and physical side effects. Whether it is a plant extract or a chemical one —or someone blowing a `mystical’ smoke in our face in the deep woods of Peru! (It won’t last. ) While the idea of an immediate cure for all of our ailments might be a nice and seductive idea and even a remote “door” into this journey of healing, the work on ourselves is lifelong.
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Childhood pain comes to all of us. We remember these past afflictions most often when dealing with challenges as adults. If we have loved and suffered a loss of that love, we will know the inexplainable sadness of heartache, at least once in our lifetime. If we have known adversity we will know the feeling of hunger; a lacking bank account and rejection from society as a whole. Whether our despair is a result of a learned financial helplessness or circumstantial, poverty leaves one marginalized. If childhood messages taught you to tolerate abuse in any relationship, the route to healing those wounds takes time, no matter the tempting and seductive short cuts. Integration to wholeness is a life journey of many baby steps along the way. Even when we get to the top of a mountain, there will be other mountains to climb and that is also part of the joy of life. It keeps us growing and curious!
It will not matter who’s writing the Rx for the new “best thing out there” to heal your woundedness. We are our own fix and remember: it is a lot of hard, lonely work to repair, heal and process our trauma, loss and the collateral damage that we might have helped create, or (!) that has been inflicted upon us by others throughout our lives.
The reason the self journey can be identified as the dark night(s) of the soul is because we are alone in an internal inferno; alone in a life battle. Jesus, Buddha, Arjuna and other (unsung female heroines) knew this battle. We can look to countless brave others and contemporary role models who lived through their struggles to share their triumphant stories! Jesus was in touch with his “over soul”. He found his internal wellspring and brought his findings to guide others—back to themselves. Whether we are religious or not there is no denying the good in the life stories of Buddha and Jesus and their examples of self-mastery and love. This is why their unique teachings are united. It is not about religion. Their quest is about self-discovery and healing suffering.
We can look to classical fairy tales for the protagonist’s quest for self-discovery. Alice, in “Alice in Wonderland”, learned that adults don’t necessarily know better. Dorothy, realized she had all the answers and didn’t have to actually “go anywhere” to find them. Even Pinocchio had to battle emotional and external villains, while on his personal growth journey in search of authenticity and becoming a “real boy”.
Oftentimes we set out on this path, outside of ourselves when all the real answers lie within. Individuals who follow the road less traveled, find it long and arduous. They may come upon their own internal yellow brick road and they too will discover their way home where reaping the rewards of authenticity self-compassion, resolve and peace await all of us who find our way back to ourselves.
The bold are not absolved from doubt or fear on their journey and quest for wholeness. They discover how taking the first step is the most challenging and courageous, for in that initial forward motion they become aware that there is more to life than what appears around them. We are all faced with life challenges that feel frightening. The brave move forward despite fear and doubt for the unknown.
Every day the courageous rise to fight the battle for self-discovery and self-love. The fearless discover how lighting a single match will remove any amount of darkness. They focus on the glimmer of light that a single match can provide to turn darkness into transformation. (Every day.) These brave individuals awaken to every new dawn to share that sliver of hope with others that they have discovered for themselves. Some share in scriptures. Some share in song. Some direct you down a yellow brick road and some invite you to join them in tumbles, twists and turns down a rabbit hole! (You can light that match too!)
For today ask yourself:
What is the difference between personal growth, hedonism and narcissism?
Question what is detachment vs. disconnectedness? How one can be a sociopath and the other a sage. (big difference)?
What is the difference between love, anxiety and trauma?
Are your actions self-serving or are you being of service to others?
Self-love and self-compassion are not the same as being self-centered. One is being centered in-self, while the other is absorbed in self. (Know the difference)
And if you don’t know these differences sit with yourself and stay quiet and you will be surprised at the boundless discoveries and the light that directs your way! Whether you are in therapy or receiving guidance from a coach, all personal growth is designed to take you outside of yourself and uplift you while also being of service to others, (into-serving-Others). Personal growth is knowing how to step outside of your tiny, myopic existence so you can actually see and experience the awesomeness of The World and the Others in it! (Remember that.)
Perhaps this article is not about you. Maybe it will help you to see someone you are in a relationship with, differently. We are overloaded with information on a daily basis and sometimes do not know how to consciously discern the right action to take with the people we are so closely bonded to. Professionally or personally. Take a step back. Pause and look at the dialogues you are having or the conversations you need to have. Are you being gaslighted or is someone actually trying to help you communicate more clearly.
People will consciously and unconsciously say things and do things that are hurtful and thoughtless in “the name of personal growth.” There is a great deal of misinformation and confusion today about what personal growth is—what LOVE is and is not. There will always be pacifiers, escapes and magic elixirs and if Alice is not giving it to you, don’t take it!
Are you setting clear boundaries that feel right for you or are you following the advice of a trending new influencer? Can you sit with the advice that you are being given and ask yourself if you actually agree with it or if you feel resistance.
You have a choice upon waking each day. If you honestly know how to love, whether it is a lover, friend, family member or a pet, you will naturally think of the other before you think of yourself (save for the story of the oxygen mask…) when two people love each other their success is (!) contingent on caring about the other. In this dynamic you both win.
Today is your day to make a masterpiece of your life and perhaps even help another paint a masterpiece of theirs! Wipe your eyes now and you will see that the match is your opportunity ready to light the way. Strike it!